The Smartphone Rule That Changed Our Family Life

How we reclaimed connection, reduced power struggles, and built a better rhythm with our kids — any time of year.

For the past six or seven years, since my children got their smartphones, I’ve been stuck in the same mindset many parents fall into: Phones are just part of life now. Everyone has them. Everyone uses them. So, I gave in and handed them over.

But recently, something shifted. I’m in the middle of a change — right now — and I’m seeing the impact with my own eyes.

My kids and I talk a lot. They’re thoughtful, aware, and emotionally intelligent. They admit they’re hooked. They know they use their phones too much. But it’s also too strong for them — it’s automatic. If there’s a gap, even just a few seconds, they reach for it. Whether we’re in the car, waiting for something, or even at the table (despite our no-phone rule), they find a way. And of course, the second I pick up my phone for work, they assume they can too.

What follows? A power struggle.
“Just a minute.”
“I’m in the middle of something.”
“Why can’t I if you can?”

And that’s when I realised: this wasn’t just about screen time. It was about expectations. The default assumption was that phones are always allowed. That’s what had to change.

What We’re Doing Differently — And Why It Works for Any Age

I decided to flip it: phones are no longer a right. They are a privilege.

I started with a conversation.
“I get it. Phones and screens are fun. Staying in touch with your friends matters. But it’s affecting us — our time together, your connection to each other, and your ability to really be present.”

Although my kids are now teens, this approach works just as well for younger children and the sooner you clarify this difference, the easier it will be. The details might change — for example, a younger child’s “phone” might be a tablet or gaming device — but the principle is the same: clear, agreed boundaries make all the difference.

We agreed that devices would only be used once or twice a day, for 15–30 minutes max. We started on days when we already had things planned, to avoid the dreaded “I’m bored!” backlash. And crucially, we set those timings in advance — together. Mornings were device-free until everyone was ready. If there was spare time later, great. If not, they’d use their agreed window later in the day.

One thing that helped a lot: encouraging them to tell their friends in advance that they wouldn’t be online. This lowered the anxiety about missing out or appearing rude for not replying right away.

And you know what? It’s working.
Our home feels calmer, lighter, more connected. The kids are more present. They’re even reminding each other about the rules. And yes, we’ve had moments of protest — especially when not having a device made coordination trickier — but we managed. Like the old days, we made a plan and stuck to it.

When Things Slip — And How We Handle It

Of course, not every day is perfect.

What I’ve noticed is that structure slips not just when I forget to plan activities, but more critically when we forget to agree on the device timings. If there’s no set window, the screen use starts drifting in. And when that happens, we’re right back into negotiation and struggle.

Sometimes, even when we do agree on timings, the excitement of a message or video pulls them in longer. So yes, I allow the very occasional exception — maybe once or twice — but that’s it. Because too many exceptions become the rule, and then the boundaries blur again.

We’ve also set a consequence:
If you go over time or don’t hand your device back when we’ve agreed, the next day is device-free.
We’ve only had to use this once. It’s powerful, because it’s logical, consistent, and most importantly — agreed together.

Teamwork, Not Control

What’s made this whole shift feel sustainable isn’t the rules — it’s the shared ownership.

We made the rules together.
We agreed on the consequences together.
That means I’m not the “bad guy.” They understand the logic. And they feel more responsible for sticking to it.

This is core to what we believe at The Happy Confident Company and in our Happy Confident Club: children thrive when they’re part of the process. When they know the why behind the rules, and when their voice matters. This is especially true for neurodivergent children — but it works for all kids.

So here are the key lessons I’m learning right now:

 

• • Create the rules with your children. When they help shape the system, they’re far more likely to respect it.

• • Stick to the rules — with very few exceptions. Otherwise, they’ll start negotiating every time.

• • Lead by example. If I want them off their devices, I need to put mine down too.

• • Don’t make devices the consequence for everything. Keep the boundary related to device behaviour.

• • Use this as a tool to reduce power struggles, not create new ones. We’re aiming for calm, connection, and teamwork — not control.

• • Remember: devices are often an escape. If your child is glued to their screen, they might be bored, anxious, or uncomfortable with something in the present. That’s not a device problem — it’s a feelings problem.

The Bigger Picture

What I’m realising is that this isn’t just a “holiday fix.” This shift needs to last. Because the real issue isn’t just screen time. It’s the idea that the phone is always there. That it’s a right, not a privilege.

That mindset has to change. And it starts with us, as parents.

The hardest part of all this, honestly? Leading by example.

I’m working during the holidays, which means I need to be on my phone sometimes. But I also know that when I check my phone in front of them—even for work—it sends a message: “This is normal. This is okay.” So I’ve had to be more mindful. I step away to work. I leave the phone out of sight during shared moments. It’s not perfect. But it matters.

It’s also tough when you’re around other people who don’t have these boundaries—friends, cousins, even other parents. Suddenly, your rules feel like they’re up against a tidal wave. But what I’ve found is that when I explain what we’re doing, most parents are relieved. They’re facing the same battles. We all are. Adults and children alike.

And this has become a broader awakening—not just for my kids, but for me. For all of us. Being more intentional about phone use, treating it as a privilege, a tool – not a reflex or an escape – has been genuinely valuable.

This experience has also reminded me that screen boundaries are just one part of the bigger puzzle.

That’s why we created the Happy Confident Club — to give families tools to talk about feelings and needs, not just about rules. When kids feel bored, anxious, angry, or disconnected, we want them to know what they’re feeling and what to do about it — besides picking up a screen.

This shift has been a turning point for our family, and it doesn’t just belong to special occasions or holidays. We’re building a way of living where devices support our lives, rather than control them — all year round.

And we’ll keep doing it, together, as a team.