Parenting is a balance of art and science: a combination of evidence-based practices and emotional connection. To begin building better parent-child relationships we need to guide, nurture, and understand our children, all while providing the right amount of support and space for them to grow, easy right?! In this journey, the habits we exhibit as parents play an important role. Often, without realising it, we might fall into patterns of communication and behaviour that can create distance between us and our children.
How We Form Habits
These patterns and behaviours are often inherited from our own parents. We find ourselves realising we’re speaking to our children just like our parents spoke to us. Usually we don’t like these more ‘negative’ communication patterns so the key is to first become aware of them, and then find better alternatives.
Relational Health
Studies show just how important a strong and healthy relationship between parents and their kids is for the child’s growth and happiness. This idea, called “relational health,” tells us that the way parents and their children connect and support each other matters – a lot. It’s not just about the one-on-one time between a parent and child, but also how the whole family gets along and supports one another.
In this article, we explore the seven disconnecting habits to avoid and contrast them with seven connecting habits that foster a stronger relationship and better communication. It’s important to note that this doesn’t mean creating an environment without discipline, where kids can do anything they like. Instead, it’s about redefining discipline from punishment and, “Do as I say”, to setting clear boundaries and encouraging kids to participate in defining the consequences if their actions don’t match the rules of the house. As they grow up, they should ideally participate in setting the rules so they become more responsible and less likely to break them.
Our goal with kids is to maintain a connection with their hearts while teaching skills, boundaries, and behaviour. If we lose their heart during the process, nothing else will matter.
The 7 Disconnecting Habits That Harm Relationships
Every parent has moments they aren’t proud of, driven by stress, tiredness, or frustration. Becoming aware of these moments and how they create disconnection is the first step towards building a better relationship.
Criticising: Constructive feedback is essential, but constant criticism can erode a child’s self-esteem. Try and always find a positive in what they are doing (for example they may have been trying) before you mention something they can do better.
Blaming: It’s tempting to point fingers when things go wrong, but this automatically creates defensiveness and can instil a fear of failure. Encourage responsibility and learning from mistakes.
Complaining: Constant complaints create a negative home atmosphere. Model a problem-solving mindset to encourage children to approach challenges positively
Nagging: Repeatedly telling children what to do invariably leads to resistance. Ask questions instead of, “What did I just tell you to do” or “What are you supposed to do now?”
Threatening: Using fear as a discipline tool can harm the parent-child relationship. Discuss consequences and set reasonable boundaries.
Punishing: Punishment might bring immediate compliance but doesn’t teach long-term lessons. Focus on explaining why behaviours are wrong and agree on consequences for their actions if they don’t comply with the rules. This way they become responsible for their actions rather than resent you for punishing them.
Bribing/Rewarding to Control: Limit rewards to a minimum as otherwise, your children will only do things for these rewards rather than because they really believe it is the right thing to do. Instead, encourage intrinsic motivation by praising efforts, not just outcomes
The 7 Connecting Habits That Grow Relationships
In contrast to disconnecting habits, connecting habits can strengthen the bond between parents and children, building a foundation of mutual respect, understanding, and love.
Supporting: Offering unconditional support provides a safety net for children, helping them to take risks and learn.
Encouraging: Positive reinforcement boosts confidence and fosters a growth mindset.
Listening: Active listening shows that you value their thoughts and feelings, encouraging open communication.
Accepting: Embracing your child’s individuality encourages them to be their authentic self.
Trusting: Showing trust in your child’s abilities and decisions fosters independence and self-reliance.
Negotiating Differences: Teaching children to negotiate and compromise helps them develop important life skills.
Respecting: Treating your child with respect teaches them how to treat others.
Small Steps Can Lead to Big Changes
Remember, parenting isn’t about achieving perfection—it’s about making progress. Each day presents an opportunity to make conscious choices that connect with our children’s hearts while guiding their behaviour.
When we shift from habits that create distance to those that foster connection, we strengthen our relationships with our children. In doing so, we also model the interpersonal dynamics we hope they’ll embrace in their own lives, laying a foundation for them to grow into compassionate, confident, and capable individuals.
