Respond not React: How to Stop Yelling and Start Understanding.

We all step into parenting carrying a suitcase full of expectations. Some, we pack intentionally: “I want my child to be kind, responsible, and polite.” But others sneak in without us noticing—shaped by our upbringing, the way we were raised, and what was expected of us as children.

Many of us grew up with an unspoken rule: good children do as they’re told. When we listened, we were praised—“Good boy” or “Good girl.” But when we questioned or resisted, we were told off. Even if our parents loved us deeply, they often expected instant compliance—because, quite simply, that’s how they were raised too. Without realising it, we can carry those same expectations into our own parenting:

A child who listens is respectful.
A child who breaks things, gets angry, or shouts is “out of control.”
A child who doesn’t do what we say the first time has a problem that needs fixing, rather than a skill that needs teaching.

We expect our child to stop the moment we say stop. To calm down just because we told them to. To do better, even though knowing and doing are two very different things.

But these expectations aren’t truths—they’re inherited beliefs. And just because we were taught them doesn’t mean we have to pass them on.

Emma’s Story.

It had been one of those days—work, stress, errands, and a never-ending to-do list, and I was far from finished! By the time I went to check on Oliver, my seven-year-old, I was already running on empty… and then I saw it.

Water. Everywhere.

And right in the middle of it, holding a plastic cup, was Oliver.

I lost it.

“Oliver, what have you done? How many times have I told you to be careful? Now I have to clean this up on top of everything else! I can’t believe it—why don’t you ever listen?”

He didn’t argue. He didn’t shout back. His eyes filled with tears, and in a tiny voice, he said, “I wanted to help.”

But I was too annoyed to hear him.

I grabbed a towel and started wiping up the mess, still muttering under my breath.

Then he spoke again.

“Mummy, it was for you.”

I stopped. “What?”

“I heard you say you had a headache… and you always bring me water when my head hurts,” he said, wiping his face.

And just like that, my frustration turned to guilt.

I’d assumed he was being careless. That he never learns. But he was learning—just not in the way I expected.

And I’d shouted at him for it.

I looked at him properly then—his little hunched shoulders, his hands gripping the empty cup for dear life and his little face crumpled.

“Oh, Ollie… you were trying to help me?”

He nodded.

I felt awful, “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t realise. I should have asked you what happened.”

I pulled him into a hug. “That was really kind of you. Thank you for thinking of me.”

“It’s okay, Mummy,” he mumbled.

But it wasn’t. Not really.

Then it hit me. As a kid, I’d been in his shoes countless times. I knew what it felt like to be in trouble when I was just trying to do something nice. To feel misunderstood. To feel that it’s not okay to make a mistake.

And without realising it, I’d just done the same to him.

And that’s not the kind of parent I want to be.

Emma can’t undo that moment, but she can learn from it.

She had grown up believing that adults always assumed the worst and in that split second, she had done the same.

Her reaction had been automatic—pulled from the past rather than shaped by the parent she wanted to be.

But that cycle didn’t have to continue.

So how could she change the narrative?

By pausing—By giving Oliver the chance to be heard before jumping to conclusions. By reminding herself that mistakes don’t mean defiance, and frustration doesn’t have to come first.

It wouldn’t be perfect—parenting never is. But small changes add up. And if she could learn to pause, to listen, to see Oliver in those moments, maybe he wouldn’t have to grow up feeling the way she once did.

Changing the Pattern: How to Respond Instead of React

We can’t change the past. But we can change how we respond moving forward. That starts with noticing the automatic reactions we’ve inherited—and choosing a different way.

1. Pause Before Reacting

When your child does something that instantly frustrates you, take a breath and ask yourself:

“What else could be true?”

If they’re ignoring you, maybe they’re focused on something important to them.
If they talk back, maybe they feel like they aren’t being heard.
If they make a mess, maybe they’re trying to do something on their own.

2. Reframe ‘Bad Behaviour’ as Learning

Children aren’t misbehaving to push our buttons. They’re learning.

A child who doesn’t listen right away isn’t always being defiant—they’re still figuring out impulse control.
A child who melts down isn’t trying to manipulate you—they don’t yet have the tools to manage big feelings.
A child who refuses to share isn’t being selfish—they’re learning boundaries.

3. Model the Calm You Want to See

Children mirror our reactions. If we yell, they learn to yell. If we shame, they learn to shame. If we stay calm, they learn to stay calm.

Instead of: “Stop crying.” Try: “I see you’re upset. Do you need a hug or some space?”
Instead of: “You’re being rude.” Try: “That came out a little harsh—do you want to try again?”

It’s not always easy in the moment, but the more we model emotional regulation, the more they learn to do the same.

4. Give Them The Benefit of The Doubt

Children want to do well. They want to feel capable. They want to feel seen.

If we always assume the worst, we teach them to doubt themselves.
If we assume the best, they learn to trust themselves.

Because honestly, how many of us still carry the weight of childhood assumptions? The fear of being misunderstood, the fear of getting it wrong, the fear of disappointing someone. Maybe we weren’t always given the benefit of the doubt when we were growing up.

But we can give it to our own children.

Change isn’t always easy.

Breaking old habits takes time, but it is possible.

You’re in control of your choices, and you have the power to make a change. But remember—there’s no such thing as a perfect child or a perfect parent. Just like our children, we’re all growing and learning, too.

Life is a journey, and every day is a chance to be a better version of ourselves. The more we practice, the more we train our brains to respond in new, more positive ways. With time, it gets easier to choose the response we want, and it starts to feel more natural.

We’re never too old to start, and we’re never going to get it right all the time—and that’s okay.

✨ Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about learning and growing, just like our kids. Small changes make a big difference!

Share the Post:

Refusing or making a fuss over homework

It’s amazing what a state our children can sometimes get into when faced with homework. In fact the spectre of homework can cast a grey cloud over the whole family. But however tempting it might be for us to do the homework for our children, just to get it ‘out of the way’, it is not something we’d ever recommend. Better by far to ease your child into a homework friendly state of mind by following the rules below.

Siblings fighting about toys and physical possessions

All siblings squabble, often driving their parent’s crazy in the process. However when they squabble over possessions they are also learning the art of negotiation and sharing. Which is why it is best not to get involved when the squabbles are underway. Best to try and anticipate these ‘sharing’ issues by setting house rules in advance. Having done this try to sit back and avoid getting involved (however, do be ready to ‘steer’ if the going gets rough or if if a rule reminder seems to be needed).

February 13, 2025